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Michael
Lynch: December, 2000
Have Yourself A Cosmic Christmas
Well, even though it feels to me like it was just a few weeks
ago I was lying on the sandy beaches of Long Island soaking
up rays, the calendar tells me it's December. I guess that
explains why my tan is fading away, and why I'm starting to
feel a bit cold in my tee shirts, cutoffs and a pair of...sandals,
and why the prices at Long Beach Surf Shop have gone way down.
Fine, I'll get with the December program. After all, December
means Christmas, and what would the Christmas season be without
a proper musical soundtrack? Yet, some people complain about
hearing the same old Christmas songs over and over every year.
They swear they'll jump out of a window if they hear too many
airings of certain recordings by Brenda Lee, Bobby Helm, John
Lennon and those damned soprano rodents. Well, it's certainly
true that radio stations make sure everyone within listening
radius hears them fifty times a day between December 15 and
25. That's fine with me. It's tradition. Besides, each radio
play of "Rocking Around The Christmas Tree" allows me to grab
the nearest friend so I can ask him to listen closely to see
if he too thinks it sounds like Little Miss Dynamite is actually
singing "Later we'll have some f**kin' pie..." But for the
Scrooges among you who require an alternative, or for anyone
throwing a holiday party desiring a bit of diversity when
preparing the background music tape, may I suggest these platters
instead. These are all records that although not intended
as Christmas songs have elements to them that warrant their
inclusion alongside the Singing Dogs' "Jingle Bells" and Jose
Feliciano's "Police Nabbed My Dog," or whatever it's called:
"Dance Dance Dance" - The Beach Boys "Let's
Talk About Girls" - The Chocolate Watchband "Half
Breed" - Cher "I
Wanna Be Your Dog" - The Stooges.
While none of these songs have anything to do with chestnuts
roasting or reindeer or anything even remotely involving Christmas,
they all incorporate the sound of sleigh bells to make spirits
bright.
Trust me, throw these in and no one will notice anything bizarre.
"My Mind's Eye" - The Small Faces "Sunday
Will Never Be The Same" - Spanky and Our Gang. As
both of these songs borrow the melody of "Ding Dong Merrily
On High," I advise you all not to be too surprised if your
local Carolers walk the streets singing "I sit here everyday..."
or "I remember children eating flocks of pigeons."
"Faith In Something Bigger" - The Who.
Okay,
it's true that this one does have lyrics about falling snow,
so it already half-counts. But even if the lyrics were about
pinball, that one pure note, little boys dressed as girls
or wanking, surely I'm not the only one who hears a similarity
between its melody and "I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas."
"Gonna Get Along Without You Now" - Patience and Prudence.
I
don't know why, but this one simply sounds like a Christmas
record to me. I can't place it yet. I just can't hear this
song without picturing the two sisters riding in a sleigh
across the snow covered hills of Hollywood, California. Maybe
it's because sitting at the control tower during the recording
session was none other than David Seville, who as we all know
ruined a lot of people's Christmas with another single he
masterminded.
"Time Has Come Today" - The Chambers Brothers. No need to
tape all eleven plus minutes. Simply fade in at around 5:30
or so, and fade out around 6:15, ample time for their surreal
interpretation of "Little Drummer Boy" to cause your guests'
souls to be psychedelicized.
"Linus and Lucy" - Vince Guaraldi Trio. Perhaps the most famous
Christmas song that was not intended as such. Ask anyone you
know - or anyone *I* know - why this is associated with Christmas,
and most likely the answer will be "Because it's from the
Christmas special." True, but why do we not also link it with
other holidays? After all, the same piece of music also turned
up in the Halloween special. Ever hear anyone call it one
of the greatest ever Halloween songs? It made its way into
the Thanksgiving, Easter, and "It Was A Short Summer Charlie
Brown" specials as well, not to mention the full length movie,
"A Boy Named Charlie Brown." Still, many people hear this
and automatically think Christmas. (This is kind of like how
many consider The Beach Boys' "Good Vibrations" one of those
all-time great summer songs, despite having no lyrics about
the middle months, and despite having its 1966 chart peak
during those sweltering dog days of November) But then again,
Christmas is also a time for reflection and meditation,! and
certainly there cannot be a nyone so heartless in America
who would object to a fond tribute to the late Charles Schulz.
"Kiss By A Rose" - Seal. If that intro vocal tag doesn't make
you think of carolers standing in falling snow, then you...uh...probably
aren't as warped as I am. Oh wait, this is another one that
mentions snow, isn't it?
And
when the tape runs out, and you'd like to keep the music going,
you can always propose a singalong, another joyful holiday
tradition that can always use a few new twists. And lucky
for you readers, I have some I can suggest. One of the things
I most look forward to every year at Christmastime is my good
friend HolliAnn's annual party. As HolliAnn and most of her
friends are musicians, there's always a marathon jam session
and singalong. Sometimes we sing holiday songs. Sometimes
we sing regular rock hits. Sometimes we sing standards. More
than sometimes we get silly. More than some of those sometimes,
I'm the one initiating the silliness. Amazingly, I still seem
to get invited back every year. But one favorite trick of
myself and some of the other patrons involves smoothly piecing
together two seemingly unrelated songs. Certain paste jobs
have gone over rather smashingly (which is not to say we were
all smashed.) There was the time we sang the lyrics of "Yellow
Submarine" ! to the tune of "Bad To The Bone. "
Or
when we started to play "You Gotta Move" but instead sang
"Oh when the saints..." And sure enough, over the years some
Christmas songs have fallen victim to new arrangements, or
rather, derangements. As I cannot copyright these creations,
I may as well share them with the masses, so if you're attending
any Christmas singalongs, keep these in mind when you break
out the guitars.
1.
Lead everyone into "Jingle Bell Rock," but then, blow all
minds in the room by taking them from the bridge ("It's a
bright time...")straight into the chorus of "Maxwell's Silver
Hammer."
2.
If you kick into "Rudolf The Red Nosed Reindeer," make sure
you're doing it in the key of C so you can take it from "Rudolf
the red nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose" right into "Will
you still be sending me a Valentine..."
3. This one was a big hit: Play the chords of "Happy Xmas
(War Is Over)" and sing that melody, but delete those lyrics
and replace them with "On top of spaghetti, all covered with
cheese..." You'll be surprised how closely it matches. ("You
Better Sit Down Kids" fits pretty nicely as well).
4.
Only the truly hip will appreciate this one, but if you want
to separate the wheat from the chaff, here's your chance.
Start playing The Rolling Stones' "I Am Waiting," extending
the intro until all Aftermath aficionados in the room
(which will hopefully be a decent sized number or this joke
will go right by everyone) are attentive. Then, begin singing:
"Said the night wind to the little lamb..."
Okay,
I'd say that's enough madness for one party. And I think that's
enough typing for me right now. Besides, I have to go try
something out - I think I see a way to meld "Help Me Rhonda"
and "Bits and Pieces." But before I do the surgery, here's
wishing you all a happy and healthy holiday. (Hey..."Holiday"
by The Bee Gees...You know, if you took the chorus of that,
and then took "Mellow Yellow"... ah, never mind.)
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Michael
Lynch Reviews: December, 2000
November, 2000
E-mail
Michael
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