Michael Lynch: July, 2001

Summer Oldies Concerts

Well, Fufkineers, it's summer. If you don't believe me, just look at the various red areas of skin on my body...nature's way of saying 'You missed a spot with your suntan lotion.'

Summer means different things to different people: beaches, swimming pools, boating, ice cream, barbecues, vacations, Mick Jagger's birthday, etc. But because summer always needs a musical soundtrack, summer also brings all those local outdoor concerts, and no summer is complete without the local series of...Oldies Concerts.

Well, recently, I got to thinking...If I were in charge of the press for a local series of Oldies shows, how would I write it up? Having been to countless shows and seeing how they work, I figure I could write up an accurate description for any would-be attendees. So please join me on this game of 'Let's Pretend':

IT'S THE LONG ISLAND OLDIES CONCERT SERIES.
(Sponsored by Hairclub For Men)

Yes, folks, summer is here and the time is right for dancing...if your back still lets you...at our annual series of outdoor oldies concerts. Come and enjoy some fine hits from over a quarter of a century ago. Hear songs that are almost three times as old as you were when they came out (and you were in your teens!)

SEE supposed bandmembers who are far too young to have been in the group during their heyday.

SEE Motown groups represented by white folk.

HEAR bands with a short chart history fill up their set with other people's hits.

HEAR them justify this in various ways.

"We toured with these guys back in 1966."

"Our producer played us this new song, and we were gonna do it as our next single...but then this other group beat us to it and had the hit with it, but we're gonna do it now." (See the audience actually swallow the notion that Gary Lewis and the Playboys were almost the original artists of ‘Jumpin' Jack Flash')

"Sometimes, when we were rehearsing for a show, we used to have a lot of fun on this one."

SEE some of the worst hairpieces you've ever seen in your life.

SEE stage outfits that could double as waiters uniforms

HEAR countless times "Let's go back to the summer of ...." "See if you remember this one..."

HEAR groups try to impress us by showing just how contemporary they are by playing a modern day hit. (Hear how some groups have been doing this gag for so long that the ‘modern' song they play isn't very modern anymore.)

HEAR the artist announce a new song of his. SEE a sudden rush to the bathrooms.

HEAR half of these groups sing Bob Seger's "Old Time Rock And Roll."

HEAR the groups announce that they will do the next song as a tribute to John Lennon...and then sing one of Paul's tunes.

HEAR more Dion medleys then you'll ever need to hear.

SEE parents in the audience with their small hyperactive kids who annoyingly run around and shout and scream and cry louder than the music.

SEE parents fully in the 1960's spirit, wearing tie-dyes (dressing their child as a cute little hippie flower girl) while watching groups who truly epitomize the tie-dye/hippie culture, like The Shirelles.

MEET many types of mosquitos.

SEE every Park Commissioner and local official make a long pointless speech before the show begins, all beginning with 'I just want to say one quick thing.' Feel your hands getting sore from politely clapping each and every one. Find yourself clapping simply because you're bored.

HEAR the acts constantly plug their new CD of inferior recent re-recordings of the old songs, available at the table to the side of the stage.

Scheduled so far!

THE MIRACLES (Featuring one 'real' member, but not Smokey)

THE SHANGRI-LA'S (No real members, but one girl who went to school with them, plus Mary Weiss's 22 year old niece)

THE COASTERS (Two of the four actual members of the East Coast oldies circuit / supper clubs touring lineup, circa 1967-69)

DAVE D., BEAKY, TICH JR., FRED, WALTER (Note: For this show, Dave D. is actually Dave Davies, not the original Dave Dee)

DON AND THE GOODTIMES (Your guess is as good as ours regarding percentage of legit members)

CRAZY ELEPHANT (ALL ORIGINAL MEMBERS!)

CHARLIE COE'S RAIDERS

IAN AND SYLVIA (Due to an illness, Sylvia will be replaced by Sylvia from Mickey and Sylvia)

DICK AND DEE DEE (Due to an illness, Dee Dee will be replaced by Dee Dee Ramone)

NEW COLONY TWO

THE JACKSON 1/5 (featuring Marlon Jackson)

DRAKE LEVIN'S RAIDERS

THE THREE TOPS

THE CARPENTER

PHIL VOLK'S FANGTASTIC RAIDERS BAND

A splendid time is guaranteed for some.

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