Say What?

About ten years ago I wrote a song called "Crashed." The song, a patchwork of a whole bunch of bits I "borrowed" from Neil Young (even the title came about as a reply to his title "Expecting To Fly") tells the story of myself trying to get with a certain girl. Unfortunately, she slips away, and my chance, I feel, is gone forever. "No way I know to find her," I say, before taking a few more lines to moan and groan about my loss, and how I'll never ever see this girl again. Well, in the last verse, I address some unspecified person and say "I know you're gonna see her. Please tell me what she's under." Poetic, I thought. Kind of like dying words. I was proud of the way it all wrapped up. But something never occurred to me until a friend heard the song and pointed it out. "It doesn't make sense," he said. "First you say you have no idea how to ever find this girl again, and you sulk your mind away in the process. But then you talk about some guy who is going to see her. Why can't he hook you back up with her?"

After pushing him out the window, I realized he was absolutely right. I had unintentionally left a bit of a hole in the lyrics. I felt kind of stupid about it. But as years went by, I realized that there are a good number of songs by established artists that also have lyrics that somehow do not make much sense. And I'm not even talking about things like "Someone left the cake out in the rain." No, there's nothing here that can be excused by "Poetic License." I'm talking about lyrics that are supposed to be straightforward but that for some reason irk me. They could be illogical. They may contradict another line in the song. The point is, they make me think "Say WHAT?"

Now to be fair, I must say that some of these I take too literally, and I understand they could be open for different interpretations, but we'll put that to the side for now.

So here is Say WHAT? Volume One!

"Seasons In The Sun" - Terry Jacks

This one has always intrigued me, and I cannot believe I've never heard anyone else point this out. "We've known each other since we were nine or ten," says the vocalist. A few lines later, though, we hear that together he and his friend "Learned of love and ABC's." They didn't learn the alphabet until age nine or ten? Reading is fundamental, my friend. (By the way, we've all heard the famous tape of Casey Kasem exploding about playing a record "about a f***ing dog dying," right? Anyone know if Casey's ever had a comment about this single's B-side, "Put The Bone In?")

"Shout Shout (Knock Yourself Out)" - Ernie Maresca

While it never bothered me that this rock and roll record sounded like it was sung by a 60 year old man who just came from the pub, I do have trouble following the lyrics of this one. What day of the week is this song taking place? At one point Ernie says "It's Saturday night and we're having a time." But later in the song he tells us "School was out about a quarter to three." Maybe Ernie and his friends Joe, in the corner, and Mary had to do a Breakfast Club style Saturday detention?

"Can't You Hear My Heartbeat" - Herman's Hermits

Peter gets a feeling that's "ooh-wee" every time he sees that girl. And he sees her all over the place, such as "In the park or walking down the highway." Uh, walking down the highway? Who goes walking down a highway? Unless her car broke down, or something.

"Free As A Bird" - Several Beatles

Every time I hear this song (which I've always nicknamed 'Three and a Third' because that's how many of the four Beatles are on it) I want to ask John, as soon as he gets off the telephone or whatever he's singing through, "Well if being free as a bird is the next best thing to be, what is THE best thing to be?"

"My Obsession" - The Rolling Stones

Though the songwriting praise critics bestow on the Stones usually goes toward their riffs and grooves, the overlooked truth is that in the 1960's they also had quite an uncanny knack for lyrics. They often found clever ways of expressing very simple ideas and thoughts without the words themselves being too simple, but also without ever letting their lyrics get too pompous. They didn't say "Leave me alone." They said "Get Off Of My Cloud." They didn't ask "Can't you think for yourself?" They asked "Who's Driving Your Plane?" They didn't say to sneering authority figures "What makes you think you're better than we are?" They said "Can YOU Walk On Water?" (Unfortunately, they apparently could, and told the group "Thou shalt not release a record with that title," and pressure forced Mick to sink like a...) Even when they came out with peculiar titles like "Have You Seen Your Mother, Baby, Standing In The Shadow?" you just knew, before even hearing it, that it wasn't going to be anything too deep, and that they'd let you know what it was all about, unlike, say, "Strawberry Fields Forever." Almost all of the time, listeners knew exactly what Mick was saying.

But at least once, the lyrics got as cloudy as the room they recorded in. On Between The Buttons, Mick addressed his obsession and tries to talk her into spending the night, err, some time together. But roughly how old is this girl? Mick sings "Didn't see you were so young." Okay, she's younger than Mick. But then Blubber Lips says "I could almost be your son." Excuse me? There's something amiss here. While I'm still not sure what to make of it all, I'm quite prepared to wager Bill Wyman had something to do with this.

(I've since been told that the actual line is. "I didn't see you. I'M so young." But I had already spent too much time on the above paragraphs to simply throw them away)

"Judy's Turn To Cry" - Lesley Gore

Now let me get this straight...Little Lesley is bummed out because in Chapter One that no-good Judy took Johnny away from her. And on her birthday, no less. So now, Lesley plans revenge. She simply grabs some innocent guy sitting nearby and minding his own business and starts kissing him just to make Johnny jealous. It works. Johnny comes over and gives a knuckle sandwich to the guy and takes Lesley back, and she's happy once more, and that's the happy ending the song fades out on. What the hell is with THAT? Is Lesley that much of a bitch that it means nothing to her if some poor guy who did nothing wrong but just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time now has a few less teeth and a few less pints of blood just so she could get her cheating boyfriend back? Good Lord! And we're busy kicking and screaming about Enimen?

"Busy Doin' Nothing" - The Beach Boys

For many many years, Brian Wilson has been the subject of much praise, and I back most of it up. If people want to speak of Pet Sounds as a milestone in musical history, I'm with them. If someone gives a speech about the brilliance of "Good Vibrations" I'll be there to bob my head every few seconds. But when people speak of the lyrics of "Busy Doin' Nothing" as genius, which I have heard more than a few people do, I'm out the door. Several times in his career, Brian has showed a talent for making ordinary lyrics come across with beauty. The words of "Lonely Sea," for instance, could have been written by a fifth grader, but somehow Brian makes them sound intense. But on "Busy Doin' Nothing," even the pleasant samba rhythm (or is that bossa-nova? If you know, and if you think it really matters in this case, write me.) And pleasant melody cannot save these lines about sharpening pencils and meditating so he can remember a telephone number. Here's the part that amazes me, though (in a matter of speaking.) Brian writes a letter to his friend asking him/her to come over (giving a set of directions but not giving a starting point). It all boils down to Brian basically saying "You can come over. You might come over. You might not come over. And even if you are coming over, I don't even know if you're coming over today, because I don't know what day you're going to get this letter. But nonetheless, I'm just gonna sit in my house and wait for you to come by." Honestly, Brian, even "I'm Bugged At My Old Man" was more cohesive than that.

"Then He Kissed Me" - The Ronettes

"I didn't know what else to do when he whispered 'I love you.' So I said that I loved him too." Now there's a meaningful expression of love, if it's being said by a girl simply because she can't think of anything else to say. Ronnie, you should have called me, and I could have given you some suggestions. I would have told you what some girls have said/done to me when I told them I loved them.

"Purple Shades" - The Troggs

Reg tries to paint a picture of this nightmarish frightening sight. Yes, folks, run for cover! They're coming! Run, don't walk! Beware of the…"Bamboo butterflies, twice their normal size!" HELP!! Oh blimey. Think of the size of your average butterfly. Now multiply it by two. Are you still afraid? I'd be more afraid of the next Troggs' single. (At least the liner note writer of the Sequel Pop-Psych collection Paisley Pop agreed with me on this one, also making light of Reg's lyrics).

"Wake Up Little Suzie" - The Everly Brothers

Oh no, Suzie and at least one of those nice Everly boys (maybe both) fell asleep during a boring movie and didn't wake up until early morning, six hours past little Suzie's curfew, so they'd better get home real soon so their fathers can yell at them before leaving for work. But that's the least of their worries, it seems. According to Phil and Don, "Our reputation is shot." And what reputation is that, may I ask? Did Suzie and Ev have a reputation for their punctuality? A reputation for not falling asleep during movies? Yes, I'm not so naïve and clueless that I don't know what kind of reputation can really come from staying out all night with a girl, but would any teenage boy really be dreading that? Hell, no. He'd wear that one like a school letter. Reputation shot? Dude, your reputation is about to absolutely soar, buddy!

"Leader Of The Pack" - The Shangri-La's.

It couldn't have been much of a pack this guy was leading if he hangs out in candy stores.

"Since I've Been Lovin' You" - Led Zeppelin

"Working everyday from seven to eleven really makes life a drag" moans Robert Plant. You wuss. Can't you handle a four hour workday? Does it cut into your spare time of hanging out with Jimmy finding songs by other people to steal and give yourself songwriting credit for? (Okay, I know he's most likely singing about a 16 hour work day rather than a 4 hour day. But I ask you to please not take away from me any chance to diss Led Zeppelin.)

"Kitty Can" - The Bee Gees

Barry has a problem. He has two girlfriends (tough life, huh?) and in the fine tradition of "Two Lovers," "Did You Ever Have To Make Up Your Mind" and "Look Out (Here Comes Tomorrow)" he must choose one and leave the other behind. Should he go with Eve or should he choose Kitty? As described, Kitty is a picture of happiness, of a thousand golden daffodils (that's a good thing, right?) Eve, on the other hand, gives off negative vibes and never pleases him.

So one girl is always good and the other is always bad, and you're trying to decide which one to stay with? Jeepers, Barry. This isn't a Mary versus Sandra type decision.

"On My Way Home" - The Herd

Peter Frampton sings lead on this song about all the people and places he has seen while walking home. We hear of a clumsy bicyclist, a hot babe driving a car, and chalk marks on the wall (which I misinterpreted on my first hearing as "chipmunks on the lawn."). Midway through the song, Peter puts the narrative of this exciting journey on temporary hold to ask us "Have you been wondering why I am always walking home?" Well actually, no, Peter, I have not. In fact I don't imagine anyone would wonder why someone only 16 years old, and too young to drive, is walking home.

There are others I'm sure I'm forgetting. I'm sure they will come to mind about two minutes after I submit this piece. But should they pile up, I'll gladly collect them for a future Fufkin. And perhaps YOU have a particular favorite "Say WHAT." Is there a particular song with some sort of illogical line or contradiction, or some kind of hole? Drop me a line here at Fufkin, and I'll gladly consider including yours as well. Please try to keep your suggestions limited to songs no later than the early 1970's. Any submissions from "MacArthur Park" will not be considered.

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