The Musicians We All Know

I joined my first band when I was in the seventh grade. A year later, that band had splintered apart, and I joined another. After two years of local fame, that band too split up. I joined another. Then another. Then another. And so it went for several years, even after I graduated college.

And the funny thing was, it seemed as though the same people kept turning up in each successive band. I mean, they looked different, and they had a different name, but their characteristics were frighteningly familiar. Even more frightening is that, after talking to friends about their own musical past, and the bands that they played in, it seems that these recurring characters were in all of their bands as well.

That's why I thought of you, dear readers. I imagine many of you have been in bands as well. And I'm willing to bet some of these same characters were in YOUR bands as well.

Do any of the following people sound familiar?

Gadget Man: The guitarist who needs all of his foot pedals with him all of the time. Especially loves the 'Chorus' effect and never turns it off. Even if this guy joined a group that played 1950's music, he'd use all this junk.

Eddie Van Headache: The guitarist who always drowns his sound in distortion and seems to believe that every song needs to be adorned with Eddie Van Halen style trills and fills. Always plays way too loud.

The All Day Tuner: The guitarist who is never ever satisfied with the tuning of his guitar. Takes him half an hour to tune the E, A, and D strings, at which time he starts over before getting to the other strings. Rechecks tuning after every single song. (Almost always uses the harmonic tuning method.)

The Guitar Analyst: The guitarist who will talk your ears off about each and every part of his guitar and how special it is. Often wears tee shirts of the guitar company.

The Mismatch: He has a beautiful custom-made guitar, the nicest you've ever seen in your life...but he doesn't play very well.

Page Boy: The Zeppelin fan. Insists that Jimmy Page played every guitar note of every record released by anyone in the 1960's. Undaunted.

Chordially Yours: The musician who needs the chords for every song. He does not know how to improvise.

Root-amentary: The bass player who does nothing but play the root note of each chord. He's one step up from "Chordially Yours."

One Fill Phillip: The drummer who only plays one fill, and plays it a lot.

Bluesboy: The musician who wants to do some blues. He claims he loves the blues, when what he really means is he likes Briefcase Full Of Blues and George Thorogood.

Sportsguy: He can't practice next Saturday. "The game is on." In many cases, this is the same guy as Bluesboy.

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Michael Lynch Column: April, 2001 March, 2001, February, 2001, January, 2001 December, 2000

Michael Lynch Reviews: December, 2000 November, 2000

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