The World is Round: Porn to Go!

I try to hold out and write this column just before deadline, because very often my best ideas come from news items or from surfing the net, and more than a few times I've found items I've wanted to write about and it was too late. Because timeliness is next to Godliness.

Well, God ought to be thrilled with this particular item, which I read about in the Washington Post Express, a publication that is given free to riders of the Metro system. Honestly, you can't pay enough for news like this: Porn is coming to your iPod.

Yes, porn is coming to your iPod! Could life be any better if it tried? Think about it: Now you can watch hot looking people-people just like you and me-doing things that you and me only think about. Because we're just not as limber.

At long last, we can ditch that recorded book we've been listening to, stop listening to songs we've heard a million times, and put that 2.5-inch screen to good use. Good thing we're not living in the Wild West-those pesky outlaws would shoot a person for their iPod 'cause of what wild, wild and wooly art films it contained.

Now, thanks to technological advances we really don't understand because we're just not that smart, we can watch people with names that rhyme turn ordinary, everyday situations into fantastic, out-of-this-world physical workouts that defy description and were previously thought as impossible to do. On the bus, on the train, in the grocery store, at the corner deli, with bags of groceries dangling from our arms-anywhere, really-we can do what we used to have to use our imaginations for.

And I don't think any of us have that much imagination going for us. I mean, we can dream, we can think about what it would be like to, say, be President of the United States or the chief taster at a candy company, but we can't imagine ourselves answering the door and finding some washboard-stomached vixen or vixer behind it, ready, willing and able for some hot action. Sorry, but that's the facts, folks.

You've got to hand it to the porn industry; they were right there when VHS became popular and they rightly jumped on it with abandon, so to speak, revitalizing their collective business and legitimizing it, kinda sorta. And when DVD came along, there was more jumping on it; the porn people rightly realized immediately that increased resolution makes the porn that much more porny.

Then came the Internet and immediate gratification-so to speak. Now, they're taking their award-winning films and, let's not forget, videos, to the on-the-go crowd. They're going to clean up, I bet; who wouldn't want porn to take with them to the barber? Or the city dump?

Not me. I've already got enough distractions, what with this column and my buhdge web site and my Pure Pop radio show and my job and eating, drinking, sleeping, cleaning up after myself, talking to my wife, and watching television. There's other stuff too, that's taking up my time, but I'm hard-pressed to recall exactly what that stuff is. There's too much stuff in my brain and, besides, I can't seem to figure out how to work my iPod.

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