Take Me Out to the Ballgame As Long As They Don't Play Any Bob Seger

Well, baseball season is here. And you know what that means...more shitty music at the ballpark. At least at the ballparks I go to. Whoever the geniuses are that decide what music plays at games, they are apparently tutored in mastering the obvious and worshiping the cliched. My primary experience is from Chicago White Sox games, but I haven't heard any evidence that things are much better at Wrigley Field, and watching various baseball telecasts seems to confirm that, for the most part, music at ballparks sucks.

Oh, there are some good moments. I went to Fenway Park for the first time last year, and was thrilled to hear Jonathan Richman and the Modern Lovers' "New England". Furthermore, the ballpark sing-a-long to Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline" is cute, in a cheesy way. Yet these are exceptions, as the music is more often tiresome.

I've been going to baseball games since 1971. Back then, you would not have heard any pop records at a game. I'm sure old school managers and owners would have rather swallowed their large plugs of tobacco than have demon rock and roll played in a horsehide cathedral. Instead, the musical duties usually were handled by an organist.

I would guess that in a lot of the new ballparks, the organist is no longer around. Here in Chicago, Wrigley Field is venerable and still has an organist. On the South Side, organist Nancy Faust is a legend, so she still plays at White Sox games, although she plays a heck of a lot less than she used to. This is really a shame. Faust is one of the true greats of ballpark music. It was Faust who, in 1977, dusted off the band Steam's "Na Na Hey Hey (Kiss Him Goodbye)", and turned it into a serenade for fans to sing to opposing pitchers who had been knocked out of the game by the Sox team affectionately known as the South Side Hitmen. And she was one of the best at finding songs that subtly played on a player's name or nickname (though she disappointed me by never playing Sam Cooke's "Only Sixteen" for Luis Polonia, after the former Yankee and Angels outfielder had been arrested for statutory rape in Milwaukee).

She still sounds great and still keeps up with the current tunes. On Opening Day this year, fans who got to the park early got to hear her play quite a few contemporary hits, including a swell rendition of Green Day's "American Idiot". Yet, once game time hits, she's relegated to a minor role, while rock and rap and R & B blast through the overly loud sound system.

Here's where I take issue -- not only are the Sox dissing a true classic in Faust, but the selection of music is bizarre. I presume that part of the reason for playing rock and such at games is to relate to younger attendees. Then why are so many of the selections old songs from the ‘70s and ‘80s? While certain songs are understandably staples at games, like Gary Glitter's "Rock and Roll, Pt. 2", most of the tunes are dated and moldy. Another example of this is evident at Chicago Bulls games. After the Bulls are introduced (to the strains of an Alan Parsons Project instrumental), what song do they play? "Whoomp (There it Is)". Need I say more. Let's face it, the next person who plays "Old Time Rock and Roll" at a ballpark or arena should immediately be thrown in jail. Certainly the Patriot Act must have some provision that covers musical terrorists.

I'll make an exception for the playing of any Village People song. No, it's not that I'm happy to hear "Y.M.C.A.", and no, I never ever spell it out. I just appreciate the irony that at an all-American sporting event, with ballplayers teeming with testosterone -- their own and the stuff they injected into their asses -- folks are happily singing along to a song that is about the virtues of staying at the Y to find partners for gay sex. There was also a English football club that adopted the Village People's gay anthem "Go West" as its theme song. Soccer hooligans, gay song -- perfect.

I know this plea will fall on deaf ears, but if anyone reading this is somehow affiliated with a ball team, it's time to get hipper. Maybe it's playing a baseball related song, and I don't mean John Fogerty's "Centerfield". Try Jonathan Richman's "Walter Johnson" or the Hoodoo Gurus' "Where's that Hit", for example. Or look to current hits, both on the top 40 and underground charts. Perhaps Kaiser Chiefs' "I Predict a Riot" shouldn't be played at Detroit Pistons games, but I'd like to think that there's something by Franz Ferdinand (how about "This Fire"), or Kanye West or Moby or Beck could get a crowd going. Find music that might get people moving and match the drama and fun of the game. Better yet, why not just hire an organist and let her do the work. I'm sure she'll be better at it than you.

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